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Is My Car Gay?

Sunday, August 30, 2009


I'm writing this post (and posting it later) from Pies and Pints in Fayetteville, West Virginia. I was very glad to see that someone had added a big red tongue to the smiley faced satellite deesh in Whipple, WV.


I would put Pies and Pints' Thai Pie, a dazzling confection of curry, fresh shrimp, fresh basil and cilantro, up against any pizza on the planet, and I do include Sally's Apizza in New Haven in that estimation. This photo makes me drool uncontrollably.


Maybe I've been away from Connecticut too long. But these WV hillbillies have figured out the pizza thing in a huge way. Lest you think I am being patronizing, I will add that my ancestral people, the Zickefooses, find their center of abundance in Buckhannon, West Virginia. I am Hillbilly proud. We figger out stuff real good.

I had dinner with some of my awesome WV friends, the Fabulous Flying Heeter Family. The trip to Fayetteville was all I'd hoped.


Why Fayetteville, home of Opossum Creek Resort, site of the famed Flock confab and the New River Birding and Nature Festival? It's just 15 miles from North Beckley, West Virginia, where I bought my first new car in 14 years from Hometown Subaru. Hometown was the only Subaru dealer within three hours' drive that had a model on the lot that I wanted to buy, and would honor the Cash for Clunkers plan. Since I suspected that the bottom would drop out of this $3 billion program within the next ten days, I decided to get myself the car I wanted without further delay. **

**In fact, the program was revved up, ruined and crushed only eight days later.

I left our old green Ford Explorer on the lot with its colorful bumper stickers, its 178,000 miles and all.

Heeter just sent me some new New River Gorge stickers. And I saved my Cathedral Cafe sticker that Wendy sent. Now I have to scratch up an I Love Mountains sticker.
Me and Mini-Me, in shadow.

I made them promise not to take it to the back lot to execute it until after I drove away in my new Subaru Forester. We share so much history, and I have already bawled long and hard over that Ford three times, and I did not want to bawl again.

Saying goodbye one last time in the driveway at Indigo Hill.


Although it occurred to me to throw myself on its hood and really let 'er rip, right there in front of the three skinny salesmen taking their cigarette breaks, I kept it together.

Truth be told I am too high on new car upholstery fumes to care. To get in a car where everything works! Where both back doors open from the inside! Where the back hatch can be unlocked with a key! Where the key in ignition alarm does not ding incessantly even with the key out! Which does not stink of mouse piss! and has no candy wrappers anywhere at all, no DumDums stuck into the carpet, no slashes in the upholstery, no straw woven into the cargo zone, no horsefly carcasses stuck in the windshield crevice! No nasty stains, no mouse nests in the ceiling liner, no mousenestfluff, Hantavirus or mildew in the air conditioner, and only 32 miles on the odometer! Oh! Oh! It is too rich. No one could deserve such largesse.

A car that goes when you tell it to, with verve and alacrity and speed. A car with all-wheel drive that flies over the washboard abs of our gravel roads like silk. A car that corners instead of careens. A car with a moonroof that takes up the whole top, and makes you feel like you're flying. A car that will take me to town six more times on a fill than the old one would; that gets almost twice the number of miles per gallon that the Ford did. A car with heated front seats and sixteen pre-sets for my favorite radio stations. Little matter it that I can only receive five in Appalachian Ohio that aren't earnest Christian music. I can't use this feature, but I'm glad it's there.


But there is another side to my joy. My husband is looking for a rainbow bumper sticker, and one with a lavender equal sign. Also a Meat is Murder bumper sticker. I know him well enough to know he will apply them in the dark of night and let me drive around for days without knowing they are there. I have been the butt of endless jokes from my friends, male and female, having to do with a possible sudden midlife change in my sexual orientation. I keep checking. Despite his shenanigans, I am still nuts about Bill after 18 years together. I have unrequited crushes on Johnny Depp, John Cusack (see a slight resemblance to Bill? Like, separated at birth?) and Adam Lambert. OK, minus a half point for that last one.

Make that a full point.

OK, scratch that one. You know what I'm sayin'.

Really, I don't feel any different. I wanted all-wheel drive, decent fuel economy, six airbags, a moonroof, and a lot of cargo room. Is that gay? If any bumper stickers go on my new car, I'll make a lavender one with a rainbow on it that says, "I just like the car, OK?"

If you're as baffled as I was, just Google "Subaru Forester Lesbian."

Whatever. If you see a green Subaru rolling along an Ohio highway with a raised fist sticking out of the sunroof, that'll be me, driving out loud, driving proud.


LOL! I gotta say that last week when I told my husband that you bought a Subaru Forrester, the first thing he asked me was if you were gay! He says that it is not legend, and he can confirm a certain population does find that car appealing, but I assured him you are not of that population! He also advises you to wax your car really good and put Rain X on the windows to foil Bill of the Birds pranks.

I don't know much about the "East" and who drives what, but out here in the "wild" west of Seattle Subaru drivers most frequently have canoes, hiking equipment and bicycles attached. Here whether gay or straight, the Subaru drivers are into the outdoors and are noted for their rock climbing stickers or Mt. stickers of whatever mountain has been climbed recently:)

Well the three gay couples that I know well and consider as close personal friends all own Fords. Isn't that why the jingle, " Have you driven a Ford lately?". Hmmm.

Best thing on your blog today was the totally awesome photo of your family! Love it!

I've heard the Subaru rumors but never thought about it much. As someone who owned a Subie, I just thought they wanted a wicked good car.

I miss my Subie. I took advantage of a large corporate discount through my employer two years ago to get a Chevy. I miss my AWD every time the weather gets a little rough. The Chevy has AWD but it's a poor comparison. I had buyers remorse a few days after the trade-in and 2 years later I've already decided what brand I'm getting next time.

You'll love the Subaru. With a rainbow sticker no one will look twice when you're blasting your Adam Lambert CD down the streets of Marietta.

One tip. If yours came with a remote door for the gas filler cap, be sure to keep the mechanism well lubricated with a waterproof lubricant in the winter. Be careful to not slop it on the paint. Also be sure to wax the edges of the door and where the door meets the area around the fuel filler. The little doors could get frozen shut in the winter, especially in NE Ohio winters where I live.

I have it on good authority that as long as you don't hook up a U-Haul trailer, you're okay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
(Wikipedia can splain it for you. Just don't go breaking it like you did the Google.)

Too funny--some people just need a life. A car announces sexual identity--I don't think so.

You made my night. OMG a lesbian vehicle. I have a good friend who drives a Forrester so relax ;-). She's straight as an arrow.

Erik's right about the fuel door. I've broken a nail or two chiseling mine free...

So. Subarus are for lesbians with dogs, huh?
Whatev. My fist is hanging out of my Baroo too. Pride!

Phew, Mare, Thanks!! But everybody, let me know if your gaydar goes off while you're reading my blog, OK? 'Cuz you never know...

Moody's Diner! Take me back!

I checked out your new vehicle and it is gorgeous. I wanted to talk you out of the Forester *Outback snob here* but the new design is just real pretty.

And thanks again for your hospitality; the Z-T home is totally welcoming.

- Sylvan

This is a new one on me. Guess I don't have my finger on the pulse of the lesbian community. Athens is swarming with Subarus, but Foresters aren't as popular as Outbacks around here. We need to get you a Donkey Coffee bumper sticker for that new ride (next time you're in Athens, you should stop there for a cuppa joe - they are the awesomest coffee shop in town!). Oh, and John Cusack is MINE!

I will wrassle you for Johnny Depp, mountain woman. A Kentucky boy who looks like that, loves his momma and has the tattoo to prove it, grows tomatoes, and gets down on the floor to play barbies with his little girl? That's my kinda man. Just don't tell my husband I said so.


Posted by Anonymous August 30, 2009 at 7:51 PM

As someone who has been told numerous times that she could "pass"--even after the '69 International Harvester got totaled--all I can say is that if it turns out they're right, call me first, honey.

This post is hilarious! I love your new toy and the color is gorgeous, does that make me gay?

Johnny Depp loves me,
Sandy A.

Posted by Anonymous August 30, 2009 at 8:43 PM

I hardly don't see many Subarus here in Chciago, but if Subarus are Lesbian cars, then New England is half Lesbian.

(Come to think of it, that might explain a lot of the teachers at the all-girl school I went to in Boston!)

If Republican rhetoric during the 2004 election was to be believed, pretty much all of Massachusetts is gay. Oh, let's just make that the whole Northeast.
Murr, I'll demur for now, but will definitely keep you in my Potentials File.

Well if you had bought a Prius you'd of had to get a UU sticker. :-)

Posted by Anonymous August 31, 2009 at 5:14 AM

Satellite radio's the only way to go. Wouldn't trade it for hardly nuthin'. Especially useful in the mountains, and where you need to avoid local programming for the sake of sanity.

Posted by Anonymous August 31, 2009 at 9:23 AM

Julie: Since I drive a mini-van, SOMEBODY in our family has to take up the macho slack. Looks like it's you. Maybe you should change your name to Jay? Or just J.

LOL...we've known for years over here in Yellow Springs [Ohio] that Subarus are the premier lesbian mode of transportation. But we also realize that straight people can have good judgement and good taste too. Drive it well, Julie.

Perfect, Dorothy!

I was just in Provincetown, I should have looked to see if Forresters were the popular mode of transport. Too funny.

I cannot believe there is a pizza out there that can beat Pepe's or Sallys or Colchester's Family Pizza but that one sure looked good.

As the owner of a Boston Terrier with two Methers, I am proud to see you drive the beacon of lesbianism! I have some good "bumpa-stickas" if you need any for Bill's car....

Hi, I feel like a mountain gal already, though I'm only from the southern portion of northern Ohio where we have some Zickefooses--I like the plural of your name--who were friends of my uncle Glen. It's Marion, Ohio, home of one of the top five worst presidents in history, though we have been topping ourselves lately. I thought you might be one of Marion's Zickefooses, but I read you're from Connecticut.

I heard the NPR version of your car loss (my deepest sympathy) and related particularly well to the circling vultures part, as I have had a cabbage go to its final reward in my car over a period of many weeks during which I started to lose many of my friends. Eventually, someone told me what was up and a wonderful niece took the poor moldy thing and cremated it. Parts of the car may have to follow. Too bad it gets high mileage, or clunkerville could have rescued me.

I am happy to find a fellow Ohioan doing good at writing. I do some freelance for local newspapers. Feels like the dark ages when I see the blogosphere. (This is my first time--so exciting.) Seriously, I'll be back. Thanks.

P.S. Can Chet Baker play the guitar, or what. Oh well, I have a cat named Styx and she's quite alive.

Oh my goodness, Julie, I am Barb Stewart's daughter and she sent me a link to your post about pie (I am all about pie) and then I started not working, er reading your blog, and I just had to tell you that this post made me laugh right out loud. In the library.

I came across this randomly searching for "I <3 Mountains" bumper stickers, and read the whole thing! I must say, you are a very entertaining writer. Have fun with the new car!

Posted by Anonymous November 5, 2009 at 12:35 PM
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